Widow Plus Three

I follow a lot of grief sites on social media. As a widow, a widow leader and professional counselor, they provide me with useful information. Lately, though, I’ve been disheartened with what I’m seeing on a majority of these sites.

The grief sites on social media pretend to be created to “help” those who are grieving. What I’m seeing, however, is how they perpetuate sadness. Instead of actually helping those who are mourning a loss, they are enabling people to stay stuck in their grief.

These sites tell you:

You will never get over your loss.

You will never move on.

It is okay to stay stuck in the sadness because grief will last forever anyway.

THESE THINGS ARE NOT TRUE!

I know how devastating it is when you lose someone you love. I have experienced grief many times in my life. My father. My grandmothers.  A miscarriage. My husband.

Death tears out your heart. It makes you feel as if your skin has been ripped off and your emotions are on the outside of your body. Nothing feels the same because everything HURTS SO MUCH. Breathing, eating, showering, taking care of our children, doing whatever society says we have to do is too much. It’s overwhelming when all we want to do is curl up and sleep, possibly forever.

I KNOW. I GET IT.

The GOOD NEWS is that we can all DECIDE to heal from our losses. We can take one tiny step in the direction of life each day until we realize that we’ve had more good days than bad ones.

I took a shower one day. I blow dried my hair the next day. I put on make up the day after that one. I bought a new pair of shoes. I met a friend for lunch. Each and every thing I did to re-enter the land of the living was exhausting but IT WAS WORTH IT!

Most times, I had to FORCE myself out of my grief to do these things too. It would have been much easier to stay in the sadness. If I had websites, Facebook pages, Twitter accounts, Instagram pictures, and OTHER PEOPLE on these websites telling me that it was okay to be heartbroken, that I would miss Steve forever anyway, I’m sure that I would have stayed in that dark place of mourning much longer.

So here is my warning to you: be cautious of the photos, slogans, websites and even the people you meet online. If they are not pushing you toward HEALTH and HEALING, then perhaps you might consider deleting them. If you are grieving, you are already suffering enough with your own pain. The last thing you need is someone telling you it’s okay to stay in that dark place because you don’t have to live there. You can move out of the darkness, one tiny step at a time, until you find the light again. I did it and so can you. I believe in you.