My Valentine’s Wish for You

purple_heart_by_crazykitten1998-d5b77keAs Valentine’s Day approaches, I’m thinking of all of my widowed friends. Valentine’s Day has got to be the cruelest of all holidays to someone who has had the love of their life unexpectedly ripped out of their life! For days (sometimes weeks) leading up to it, there are commercials, aisles in every store and radio advertisements for gifts, cards, candy, flowers, even jewelry to buy for the one you love. There’s one thing they don’t advertise, however: flower arrangements for the cemetery! What about those of us whose loves are in the ground? What are we supposed to do on this day for lovers? It’s as if we don’t exist. We’re not surprised by this, though, since we’re often the forgotten ones as the world continues to exist around us and our world feels so broken.

A widowed friend of mine once told me that she wears purple for Valentine’s Day because everywhere she looks there is pink and red but PURPLE is the color for those of us who know better! We KNOW that love is more than chocolates and flowers. We KNOW that love lasts much longer than a silly holiday. We KNOW the pain of losing the one we love and we KNOW the STRENGTH it takes to get out of bed and face another day without him.

While everyone else gets to “prove” their love to their significant other on this ONE day, we KNOW it happens every single day because life is so short. In the blink of an eye, life changes. Since we have suffered a life altering, heart wrenching, soul tearing loss, we will never again take love for granted. This is the gift of loss. Yes, I said it: the GIFT of loss. In the midst of this heartache and pain, there is a gift. When love comes knocking on our door again, we can love deeper and more appreciatively than before our loss. I know it’s hard to ever imagine loving again if you are new in your loss but when your heart heals, if you open it up again, there is room for more love. It’s like having more than one child. You don’t stop loving your first child, you just love the second child AND the first child. This is how we love more than one man in this long life of ours.

Now that I am remarried, Valentine’s Day is just another day for me. Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy chocolate, a loving card and a nice dinner as much as anyone! However, if my husband is working or we are too busy to celebrate Valentine’s Day, it’s ok by me. I love him so much more each and every day because I KNOW that every day could be my last day with him. I take every chance I can to let him know how much he is appreciated and loved so that Valentine’s Day has lost it’s power over us – it’s just another day on the calendar. So what will I do on February 14th? I will wear PURPLE, I will get my children some chocolates, I will get my husband a card and I might even take some flowers to the cemetery to thank Steve for teaching me the true meaning of love. I encourage you to spend the day taking care of you and celebrating the love you have for those in your life. If I see you in PURPLE, I will know that we are sisters in widowhood too.Best-Valentines-Day-iPhone-Apps


Twice Blessed in This Short Life

heartsI’ve heard many widows talk about their “Chapter Two.” For those of you who are lucky enough not to know what that expression means, it’s the love that follows our late husband. For some reason, though, that expression has never appealed to me. For me, by saying that my current love is my “Chapter Two” feels as though I am saying that he is the #2 in my life and always will be. Although some widows may feel that way, I do not.

Let me explain.

When I was married to Steve, my beloved first husband, I loved him with my whole heart. He was everything to me. We spent 19 years together before he died at the age of 35 in a motorcycle accident. Everyone who knew us would say we had a love like no other, a special blessing from God. We were teenagers who fell in love when I was 14 years old and he was 16 years old. It was highly unusual for a relationship to start at such a young age and last while I went away to college, but somehow it did. We had our times of difficulties and even breaking up a few times, but we always found our way back together.

In 2004, when Steve rode his motorcycle to work that October morning, I had no idea how my heart would be ripped out of my body in just a few hours. God was about to put my life on a path that I could not foresee but first, I was going to suffer the greatest loss of my life and so would my children.

When Steve died, I was broken. I clung to my faith in God and His plan for my life although I am the first to admit I didn’t have a lot of trust in it. I remarried too soon and divorced shortly thereafter. I kept praying and going to church. I didn’t know any young widows who were raising children so I tried to do the best I could with my children. God made sure all of our needs were met. When I needed help, we had it. Friends, neighbors, co-workers, teammates, everyone near us pitched in to help me get my children where they needed to be on time. I started to trust God’s plan for my life too.

A little over 5 years ago, I met an incredible man. He challenged me, loved me, inspired me, and encouraged me. Before I even realized it, we had been dating for quite some time. I realized that meeting this man was all part of God’s plan for me. I was healing from my loss and my heart now belonged to someone else. My whole heart. My whole being.

Does this mean that I no longer love Steve? NO

Does this mean that I no longer miss Steve? NO

What this means is that my love for Steve has CHANGED. I love him as the father of my children, the man of my first 20 years, the man who I will always cherish for those sweet memories. I miss him in those ways too.

caitlin-homecoming-2016This year, on the Steve’s angelversary, our daughter went to her homecoming dance with her first real boyfriend. They are almost the same ages that he and I were when we began dating. I was so happy for her but also so sad that he didn’t get to be here to experience the joy with me. Grief. Again. 12 years later. This was the grief of a mother. It had nothing to do with my love for the man in my life now.

I am about to marry the man I love and he is NOT my Chapter Two because he is my NUMBER ONE! When I say my marriage vows to him, I will say them with my whole heart. I will always be Steve’s widow but I am about to become someone else’s wife. This is the duality of widowhood. Those of us on this journey “get it.” I’m so lucky to be TWICE BLESSED in this short life of mine. mary-and-jb-christmas


Real Life Widow

A blog post from a dear friend of mine who is also traveling this journey of widowhood.


Hunting Widow

Sports Widow

Work Widow

Fishing Widow

Harvest Widow

The list goes on and on of how women use the word widow all over the place to explain how their spouse is off doing something they enjoy and they are left behind for…”gasp”…a few days.

I am no saint for sure and I likely used the word nonchalantly prior to being a real Widow. I realized though real life loss that I would take Mike back in a heartbeat even if it meant I didn’t see him much on the weekends in the fall and spring as I was a “Farm Widow”.

I pray for the women that usually sound like they are complaining about their “widow” status that they never experience real widowhood.

If you are reading this you know at least 1 Widow in your life – ME. If you have ever used this word and you…

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A Widow Curve Ball

sunlight-dietI thought I had reached a point where I had “mastered” the widow thing. I mean, it’s been 11 and 1/2 years, I’m happily in love with another man, I’m raising my kids,  I’m mentoring other widows, life is great, right?

Then life throws me a curve ball. A widow curve ball. It’s called FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS. Just when I think I’m doing great, the expectations of others come crashing in again, just like they did in those early days of widowhood.

After your husband dies, suddenly everyone thinks they know what’s best for you, as if you are incapable of making adult decisions. Family and friends have advice on what you should do, when you should date, how you should raise your kids, where you should live, the list could go on and on. After a while, you get a backbone and start to stand up for yourself.

I’ve been happily living my life for years but somehow, I’ve let down the expectations of some extended family members. It all started with an email, “I know you have a new family now but….”

What does this mean? Am I no longer a widow because I’ve moved on with my life?

2231403_2838932My son was six years old when his dad died and he will graduate high school this Spring. I am proud to say that I raised him to be a fine young man! Do I wish his dad were here to see him? Absolutely! But the truth is, I raised him as a single mom, an only parent, for the majority of his life and I have every right to enjoy his graduation without sadness, guilt or grief. I am proud of him and I am proud of me. His dad would be proud of us both.

I have been praying for those who are upset with the family that I’ve created in this widow life. I’ve realized that changing relationships is all part of the healing process. Even after 11 years, we are changing and growing.

I never chose this life. God handed it to me. I did choose, however, to live my life to the fullest. I’m not going to let others’ expectations decide how I will live my life. If I’ve learned anything over the past 11 years, it’s if I’m true to God, true to myself and true to my children, the rest will fall into place.



We Are Survivors

52f738102875dc99722ea18b3f1dcad9My neighbor died yesterday. Suddenly. In her sleep. Left behind a confused, dazed, grieving husband and two beautiful daughters. I was instantly thrown back into that moment of shock and denial from nearly 11 years ago. How could this be happening? How is it possible that a family can change so quickly? In an instant, my neighbor became a single, an ONLY parent. I know too well the frightening thoughts that brings. Will my children ever recover from this? Will my babies’ broken hearts ever heal?

Everyone kept telling me thank you for helping him, thank you for being there for him. On the one hand, I am glad to do it. I was surrounded by such love when Steve died. I wasn’t alone. I had help managing the murky waters of early widowhood by family and friends who stood by me so it’s my turn to repay those kindnesses.

On the other hand, however, I wish I didn’t understand so much of what he’s feeling. I wish I was just a caring neighbor, not a fellow traveler on this widowhood journey. My heart breaks for him in a way that few others can understand. It breaks for him as one who has walked in his shoes. To have your spouse ripped suddenly out of your life is a pain like no other. You are supposed to grow old with this person yet, somehow, they are gone in a flash. What does your future look like now?

Fortunately, I have been on this road for long enough to know that the waves of grief do subside over time. It IS possible to heal from the deepest wound that your soul has ever experienced. Will you ever be the same? No. You will not be the same. You will be a NEW person. One who has gone to the depths of hell and survived. You will find strength you never knew you had and courage to keep living a life that doesn’t make sense to you. One day, your life may even make sense again.

For some reason that only God understands, I was put on a journey that I didn’t choose. I can, however, choose what I do with it. I will help others, no matter how painful it is for me. Perhaps someday I will understand the “big picture” and why we have to suffer such excruciating grief to get to the life God has planned for us. Until then, I have faith that God has a plan for my neighbor’s life and the life of his daughters. Please keep them in your prayers.

I Choose Love

heartsMy heart beats faster.

I look at him and I don’t think I could love him anymore than I do today.

His touch makes me feel protected, safe, secure.

His words are soothing when I need them to be, realistic when I need them to be too.

He makes me want to be a better woman because he challenges me to think more, do more and to achieve more.

He loves my children.

He loves me.

How is it possible that I’ve found this kind of love AGAIN in my life? It’s like a dream and I’m afraid of waking up.

When Steve died, I couldn’t sleep. It wasn’t the sleeping that was painful, it was the waking up. Steve was in my dreams with me. When I woke up, I was living in the nightmare of my new life without him. Now, I’ve opened my heart and my life to a love like that all over again only this time I know what I’m risking in a way that I didn’t know when I lost Steve.

I’m risking the gut wrenching pain that caused me to vomit. I’m risking the Earth shattering fear of a new life without the other half of me. I’m risking years of grief, sadness and anxiety. I know this because I’ve been there. It’s the price I paid for loving Steve with my whole heart.

Why would I risk it again?

He’s worth it.

I’m worth it.

Our love is worth it.

There are no guarantees in this life so I choose happiness.

I choose love.

I choose him.

I love you taken from

Every Step of the Way

IMG_1842I always wanted to be a mother. Some of my earliest memories are of playing with baby dolls or playing “house” with my little sister. Growing up, I told my mom that I would be married and have children before I was 30. It was always in my heart to be a mother.

When I became a mother 16 and 1/2 years ago, however, I couldn’t imagine the journey that would become my life. I had my two oldest children within a loving marriage so I imagined that I would raise them that way too. I conceived my third child within that same happy marriage so I thought I would give birth as I had the other two.

I couldn’t have been more wrong!

My life, and the lives of my children, took a drastic turn on October 22nd, 2004. In the flash of an instant, I was a pregnant, single mother with two young children. The family I had created was gone. The only other person who could love these children as I did was no longer on this Earth. It was only me.

I didn’t know how I would survive and raise these children, but I did. Looking back, I now know that it was my faith, my friends and my family who encouraged me, helped me and strengthened me along the way.

Today, my daughter turns 14 years old. I remember the day of her birth as if it were yesterday. I looked over and her dad was asleep in the chair. I was watching the news coverage of Dale Earnhardt’s accident at the Daytona 500. My two year old son was at our cousin’s house so I wasn’t worried about him. I was about to give birth to my one and only daughter.

Minolta DSC

Throughout the years, she has brought me more joy than I could ever have imagined possible. In the three short years she shared with her daddy, she was the apple of his eye. He adored her.

I look at her now and I’m reminded of how far we’ve all come since that fateful October day. I am stronger than I ever knew I could be. I am more independent than I ever wanted to be. My faith is my lifeline. I see these same qualities in my daughter: strength, independence, faith. She is ambitious and generous. She is loving and kind. If her dad were here to help me raise her, she would be exactly the kind of daughter that he would be proud of too.


The Lord has carried me and my children through some dark moments and for that I am eternally grateful. During these past 10 years, I know that I have not raised my children alone. God has been with me every step of the way. I have always had an abundance of friends, co-workers and family to walk this road with us. How could it be anything but His plan when I am so blessed? Thank you, Lord.

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