Goodbye, Friend

About three hours ago, one of my dear friends from church passed away. My friend had been in the hospital (the same one where Steve died) for over a week but I could not bring myself to go visit him. Although seven years have passed, some things are still too painful for me. The idea of visiting a friend in a coma in that very hospital filled me with anxiety. It seems crazy because the circumstances were COMPLETELY different. My friend was sick. Steve was in an accident. Nothing at all related. They didn’t even know each other!

Don’t get me wrong, I have visited others in the hospital during the past seven years. I have even been to THAT hospital. But, every time I do it, I am filled with anxiety. I have felt nauseous and sometimes even light headed. I don’t know if it’s the smell of a hospital or the look of someone I care about in a hospital bed, but I have never been the same since that October day when I lost Steve.

So, as I sit here on the Eve of Thanksgiving, I am taken back to that first holiday season without him. Thanksgiving was just a day to “get through” that year. Me and the kids had dinner with some friends like we usually did for Thanksgiving. I don’t remember much about that day. I guess I held myself together although I’m not sure. I just know that it was comforting to be with friends who let me be sad if I felt like it. I didn’t have to put on a “happy face” because I was still reeling from losing Steve a month earlier.

When Christmas rolled around, I decided to take the kids to Michigan (we live in Georgia) to spend the holiday with our family. As I was packing, I became overwhelmed with the feeling that I was leaving Steve. My mind told me it was irrational; he was dead so how could I be leaving him? But my heart just knew that he was in Georgia and we were going to Michigan. Steve and I had not spent a Christmas apart in over 10 years and we would most definitely be apart that year. It was one of the most difficult things I did in those early months. Doesn’t make a lot of sense, I know. I spent Christmas with family so how could it have been so difficult? The only answer I have is that nothing about my world made sense to me so leaving the home I shared with Steve didn’t seem right to me either.

I am happy to say that our holidays are now filled with family, friends and laughter. I will think of Steve fondly during the holidays and even get sad that he isn’t sharing them with us. But, I know Steve would be proud of me for making good holiday memories for our children rather than spending these precious days in mourning.

As I say goodbye to my friend, I will pray for his wife because she needs God’s extra loving care during this first holiday season without him. I know all too well how confusing it is when half of you is suddenly gone.

Prince Charming….Where Are You?

I’m recently divorced but I can see how I made that mistake (hindsight is 20/20, right?). I was widowed with three young children (one of which was an infant). If you’ve ever had a baby, then you know that your body image is not the greatest after giving birth. My husband was gone and I just couldn’t imagine that anyone would want to date me. I had so much baggage (or so I thought at the time!). I was still grieving, I was nursing a newborn and I had two other young children who needed my attention. Needless to say, I met a man who did want to date me and here I am several years later, D-I-V-O-R-C-E-D! The good news is that we parted as friends and everyone is happier now. Some people are just not meant to be married to each other 😉

So here I am, really single for the first time since I was in my 20’s, trying to find my Prince Charming! I believe that he’s out there somewhere. God created man and woman to be together and I don’t think He took my life partner when I was 33 years old just to let me live the next 50 years alone…

 The problem is that when I get close to a guy, he starts to think that I’m comparing him to Steve. I think this happens because Steve is still part of our family. For my children’s sake, we talk about him almost daily. His pictures are in their bedroom and we have one in the hallway outside their bedrooms. He is not here to get to know them so the only way they will know him is through me. When one of my children does something that reminds me of him, I am sure to tell them. He was my best friend for 19 years so I have a lot of stories to share with them.

 The truth is that I’m not comparing the men in my life but I do compare how relationships make me feel. I was happily married for 10 years. Of course I want to have that again. I know how good it is when you are married to your best friend. But, I am looking to feel that way with a man who’s HERE. Being widowed for 7 years has given me the time and space to move past the physical longing of losing Steve. When I miss him now, it’s because I wish I could talk to him. I wish I could get his advice. I wish he could see these amazing children of ours. I am sad to say that the memory of his touch has faded for me but I still remember how he made me FEEL: loved, secure, sexy, protected and like nothing in the world mattered more to him than my happiness. He encouraged me and supported me through college and graduate school. He was as proud of my accomplishments as I was of his. We supported each other. We were truly a team in life.

I believe there is a man out there who will make me feel these things again, but in his own unique ways. I am excited to meet him and look forward to falling in love again. My struggle is to trust God because it’s scary for me to think about losing my life partner again. One of my therapists summed up my choices: I can be afraid to be widowed again and live my life in fear, or I can take the chance and know that if I am widowed again, I can handle it. I choose to move forward and trust in God’s plan for my life. Steve would not want me living my life alone and I refuse to live my life in fear. I have children to raise and they need a healthy, happy mom.

So…..Prince Charming…..where are you?

One Day At A Time

I am widowed and I have 3 children (ages 13, 10 & 6). I am recently divorced from my second husband. That marriage is not the only mistake I’ve made since becoming widowed, but it is certainly a big one. I am healing, dating and trying to live my life to the fullest.

I have an incredible faith in God and His plan for my life. I have leaned on that faith every day since my husband was killed over 7 years ago. I am often told how strong I am but I don’t really think so. I think everyone has a strength inside of them that they don’t know is there until it’s needed. I could never have imagined raising these children on my own but I AM DOING IT.

One day at a time, I am figuring out how to be on my own. I make a lot of mistakes but I know I can do this. I can live this life that God has given me.

Next Newer Entries

%d bloggers like this: