Widow Plus Three

I’m recently divorced but I can see how I made that mistake (hindsight is 20/20, right?). I was widowed with three young children (one of which was an infant). If you’ve ever had a baby, then you know that your body image is not the greatest after giving birth. My husband was gone and I just couldn’t imagine that anyone would want to date me. I had so much baggage (or so I thought at the time!). I was still grieving, I was nursing a newborn and I had two other young children who needed my attention. Needless to say, I met a man who did want to date me and here I am several years later, D-I-V-O-R-C-E-D! The good news is that we parted as friends and everyone is happier now. Some people are just not meant to be married to each other 😉

So here I am, really single for the first time since I was in my 20’s, trying to find my Prince Charming! I believe that he’s out there somewhere. God created man and woman to be together and I don’t think He took my life partner when I was 33 years old just to let me live the next 50 years alone…

 The problem is that when I get close to a guy, he starts to think that I’m comparing him to Steve. I think this happens because Steve is still part of our family. For my children’s sake, we talk about him almost daily. His pictures are in their bedroom and we have one in the hallway outside their bedrooms. He is not here to get to know them so the only way they will know him is through me. When one of my children does something that reminds me of him, I am sure to tell them. He was my best friend for 19 years so I have a lot of stories to share with them.

 The truth is that I’m not comparing the men in my life but I do compare how relationships make me feel. I was happily married for 10 years. Of course I want to have that again. I know how good it is when you are married to your best friend. But, I am looking to feel that way with a man who’s HERE. Being widowed for 7 years has given me the time and space to move past the physical longing of losing Steve. When I miss him now, it’s because I wish I could talk to him. I wish I could get his advice. I wish he could see these amazing children of ours. I am sad to say that the memory of his touch has faded for me but I still remember how he made me FEEL: loved, secure, sexy, protected and like nothing in the world mattered more to him than my happiness. He encouraged me and supported me through college and graduate school. He was as proud of my accomplishments as I was of his. We supported each other. We were truly a team in life.

I believe there is a man out there who will make me feel these things again, but in his own unique ways. I am excited to meet him and look forward to falling in love again. My struggle is to trust God because it’s scary for me to think about losing my life partner again. One of my therapists summed up my choices: I can be afraid to be widowed again and live my life in fear, or I can take the chance and know that if I am widowed again, I can handle it. I choose to move forward and trust in God’s plan for my life. Steve would not want me living my life alone and I refuse to live my life in fear. I have children to raise and they need a healthy, happy mom.

So…..Prince Charming…..where are you?