Can You See Him?

Our baby. You knew we were having him. You saw his heartbeat. Our family would be complete after our baby was born. We weren’t going to find out the sex of the baby because it didn’t matter. We already had a boy and a girl so we didn’t need anything new for our third child. We were prepared for either one so we thought it would be fun to let this one surprise us at the birth. We started talking about names. Boy and girl names.

We had no way of knowing that you would only go to one doctor appointment with me before our Lord would call you Home. The first time I felt him move inside me, you were already gone. I would experience each milestone in the pregnancy without you. Desperately wishing you were back with me. Waiting for you to come through the door from work. I was held captive in a world of denial that our baby would not be born until you came home to me. I just could not fathom a world where you would not be present at the birth of our child as you had been the previous two times.

I went through the motions of taking care of our children and going to work for the next six months. It was an effort to breathe because I hurt so deeply. Our baby was the reason I ate healthy, took vitamins and went to the doctor regularly. I don’t know how much of my exhaustion was grief and how much was pregnancy. Those months crept by and somehow, the day came that our baby was born. A boy. Healthy. Without you. My denial was gone. I knew you weren’t coming home.

I no longer had the luxury of time to grieve. With two young children and a newborn, my life was full. I embraced being a mom. I loved being a mom. I loved being a mom when you were here and that didn’t change without you. I don’t remember a lot about those early years without you. Widow brain is a real phenomenon and I’m sure I had a good case of it. When I see pictures of myself during that time, I look so broken. I was doing the best I could to raise my children with my crushed soul. I survived losing you, though, and so did our children.

It’s hard to imagine but our baby is 16 years old today. I wonder if you can see him? He is handsome and looks like your brother’s son. He definitely favors your side of the family. He’s smart, kind, and funny. All three of our children love and support each other. They love the Lord and will see you again someday. So will I. Until then, we’ll keep living the best we can without you.

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